#the internet is full of so many dumb hoes

[moonlightsapphic]

Y’ALL NEED TO STOP ARGUING ABOUT BILLIE EILISH I SWEAR

She was obviously just being funny and in the comments of her post, it looks like other queer public figures (JVN, Lucy Dacus, Amybeth McNulty, Stevie Boebi, Alix Traeger, even Autumn Kennedy who runs tstourtips) are playing along in the comments. I think it’s heartwarming!

Yes, it’s clear she personally does not want to let the topic of her queerness overshadow her art in interviews, and she wasn’t quite ready for that follow up question from the Vareity interviewer. She looked nervous. she wanted to be able to come out casually and move on. (Perhaps she was just tired of being assumed straight or called a queerbaiter, and it was as simple as needing to quickly clear up public misconception. Which is so fair.)

> Especially considering how she was in good spirits during the red carpet interview in question (watch the video, just please watch the video and see for yourself), it’s obvious she’s just trying to lighten the mood (for both herself and everyone else) with that IG caption.

All of that said, she could have taken into account that the media and public can be both dumb and malicious, and that they would try to twist her funky li’l IG vent out of context and then blame the sweet reporter, who was quite nice (plus queer and PoC herself!). To an extent Billie should have expected and prepared for the polite follow-up questions, considering that her ideal world (where sexuality isn’t a big deal) isn’t the world we’re living in yet, especially outside of rich celebrity circles. It is important information that she should clarify, even for her own protection from the media/public trying to twist her initial vague statements about attraction to women this way or that. Her team prepared her poorly.

(We can make the argument that the Variety reporter could perhaps have started with “Are you comfortable answering questions about your sexuality?” … but I’m sure if at any point Billie had said “Actually I would rather talk about my music or fashion right now,” the reporter would have immediately complied anyway. I think she makes it quite clear that she is a part of the community, and ally and a safe space and well intentioned. Billie was just put on the spot, she didn’t think of that route. And she wanted to vent on IG, because it must be so much to deal with when millions of people and the fucking BBC is suddenly talking about your sexuality. That’s all.)

Still, I agree with y’all in that Billie’s wording on the IG post was poor considering how the masses are unsurprisingly thinking of it as an accusation. Perhaps most importantly, using the word “outing” lightheartedly is tone deaf considering recent events where celebrities have been forced to come out or actually outed. And that’s something Billie could take away from the absolute media clusterfuck this is becoming.

Finally, I agree that she is very privileged and has a lot of influence she could use to support the LGBTQ+ community. But she’s still a person and she deserves to “come out” (or like, just start talking about her queerness) and have people not make a big deal about her identity if that is what’s most comfortable to her. This is a right all queer people should have regardless of their status. She doesn’t owe it to us to immediately become a queer spokesperson. Identity is hard for everyone. You guys are quickly forgetting how people accused her of queerbaiting back when she put out the Lost Cause MV and captioned a photo “i love girls”. (Why people are obsessed with labels, and the nuances of it are a whole other rant for another day, but I digress.) And honestly? She’s so right, leave her alone. She’s had fucking enough. Let queer people be.

TL; DR: Billie is not mad at any reporters for “outing” her. Billie doesn’t think anyone “outed” her in the first place! Billie is just annoyed that a big deal was made of her sexuality after she started talking about her queerness (which she did, intentionally and of her own accord, and also confirmed that it was a coming out of sorts from her end). She simply did not feel ready to talk about it again at 11:00 AM on the red carpet and all the attention was nerve-wracking. So she was venting using (albeit tone-deaf) hyperbolae on an IG post. The reporter was great, too, and absolutely should not be canceled. I hope this clears it up.

[cornyonmains]

My musings on this series are always various and sundry, because it's too dumb, in the best possible way, for linear thought. Gun was an absolute mood this episode. Proving himself a consummate twink whisperer, this man has keyed in on Cher's good boy energy, absent father, and love of praise to unlock several new kinks in his poor unsuspecting intern. I've never admired anyone more.

I remember in episode 1 that one of Cher's coworkers, the cute quiet girl who looks good in white, don't remember her name, mentioned she watched Cher's competitions. I think Gun's little peep show while Cher was streaming is going to get them found out at the office. However, if I know the internet, and I do, Cher is about to have a whole bunch of new subscribers. Good for him.

Zo's face when he got a good look at the resort Gun ponied up for absolutely sent me. You could practically hear his internal monologue, which was just a smug voice going, "Yeah, they're fucking."

Also, with my powers of deduction on full blast here, I'm starting to deduce that maybe Cher isn't okay. He's letting himself be take advantage of, because he's in his early 20's, completely lacks a sense of home, and wants to keep one of the last remaining connections to it he has left. Poor guy went straight from ostracism to isolation.

Did I mention Cher is going to get SO MANY subscribers? Gun walking around shredded like a government document, throwing himself on that bed, and the absolute mood of Cher's fake annoyance tinged with smug. All those hoes in the chat were firing up their Wattpad accounts. The widow's ghost will be among them.

I'll chime in with more semi-coherent thoughts later. This episode was a ride, but I do want to talk about the disposition change you see in both characters, because for as absolutely mindless as this series is, it has sneaky good character writing.

[alantea87]

So, I’ve clocked my first 24 hours with the Nokia 2660 Flip. Truly a flip-you to my iPhone and its addicting qualities. Nothing groundbreaking to use a dumb-phone, but I wanted to challenge myself again to rejoin reality and reconnect with my friends and family properly… by stripping back my use of technology to its bare essentials.

Why…

After many months of wanting to pull away from social media, WhatsApp and iOS, I was apprehensive yet elated at the very idea. What about the memes? Thirst posts? Corgis? I’d miss them all. But much needed clarity came crashing in: my iPhone had become my adult pacifier (or dummy for us Brits). Using your smartphone during times of boredom, times of stress, or times of wanting connection has become a habit of many. And, I was no exception. Especially the doom-scrolling for hours on end after work. Luckily, after some realisation… my emotions were at the mercy of this bloody thing. Not to mention the continued horrors of witnessing violence or harassment on Instagram reels - content like this seemingly slipping through censorship safeguards. I had enough and wanted to go back simpler times, even at the dismay of others. I finally bought my second dumb-phone in two years, but this time it was far more usable (bigger buttons, predictive texts, foldable display). I wanted to really try much harder in having an iPhone-less life, even if it created a touch more inconvenience.

Neck-deep…

Sometimes I feel that tech companies invent inconveniences in order to sell more solutions directly to you. And as someone who used to work at Apple’s Regent Street store years back (when the first iPhone was launched, mind you), Apple has turned into a capitalist nightmare. I miss their earlier days of really creating a tech solution to improve your life. Now it’s all about that coin and I forget I am neck-deep in their eco system and feel like I’m drowning in their “YOU’RE MY ELITE EMPLOYEE” energy, so I feel I have to keep on buying more. Yes, the integration of all of their devices work incredibly well. But sometimes I feel that innovation doesn’t always address your ability to connect (naturally) with other people. In fact, my self and a lot of my friends (at my age), now feel that modern technology hinders deep, meaningful connections e.g. good old face-to-face conversations in the real world. I think as a millennial (and listen up gen z), I forget that conversation in person is incredibly nuanced: one has to balance tone, emotion, inflection and practice patience. It involves drama and full expression - hands, legs and otherwise! Real connection. No avatars, no emojis, no hiding. Worst case scenario, make a phone call and use your voice. Having said that, I will have to practice what I preach now that it’s much harder to write big messages via SMS on an alphanumeric keypad, lol. I’m more likely to text “can I call you in a bit instead?”.

Current tech hoes…

I have in fact have not fully compromised my relationship with tech. I am using an iPad for emails and internet. Plus, I have resorted to using my Apple Watch as a “mp3 player” paired with my AirPods Pro 2s. I forgot that if you have an Apple Music sub, you can download songs/albums/playlists directly to your Apple Watch via Wi-Fi etc. Perfect for the gym and the commute. Because I am sure as hell that I won’t be touching those dodgy Temu-like music players on Amazon. Frankly, they look like they would crumble in your hand and would be carcinogenic. Remember guys, tech companies have turned once a useful tool (the smartphone) into a slot-machine in your hand. Your emotions are being played with and sometimes I did enjoy aspects of that (memes, targeted videos/content etc) but I say: no bloomin more. For now. Lol. Famous last words. I’m going to try and do two weeks minimum with my Nokia 2660 and see how I survive.

Challenges to expect…

Unlike the Nokia 2680 Flip (only sold in North America, I think) as a fancier operating system that allows WhatsApp and a stripped down version of Google Maps. GPS navigation on that version of the 2660 apparently works alright, but you wouldn’t be able to use it in car for driving (I don’t drive anyway). But my main concern about using a feature phone is that lack of mapping. And I chronically get lost in London, despite being born and raised in Hackney/Islington. So I do plan to use my iPhone (loaded up with a data eSIM) to use it like it was a good old TomTom. Sorry gen z, these were old standalone GPS screen/devices you retrofitted in your car. But only if I plan on going somewhere totally new. Otherwise, I will try and relearn the bus network (within reason, lol) and tube map relative to my needs. I kinda miss those days of printing out directions and/or relying on your actual brain to problem solve and to get your bearings. Other things I may or may not miss out on: QR code scanning/presenting, tube/weather updates, voice notes.

Final words…

Scaling back to a dumb-phone has actually already reduced my levels of anxiety, sense of disconnect or being part of comparison culture. The very act of adding in your contacts manually one-by-one like the 90s/2000s into a cellphone was quite therapeutic despite its novelty. I think you can import a vCard, but couldn’t be arsed. *Carrie Bradshaw voice* But then I thought to myself (as I typed each contact into my Nokia keypad): damn boy… do I only really have three (actual) friends?

Two books I am currently reading and recommend.

[4trackmind]

Unapologetic

My very first few therapy sessions with Tammy, I was a mess (to put it lightly).

I sat across from her, and spoke the story that I knew had landed me in that office. But that was all it was - empty words attempting to portray some truth with minimal feelings. But so much of truth lies in the emotions, how could you possibly paint a narrative devoid of it? 

I finished telling (what I believed to be my truth, and Tammy sat across from me in silence (doing the thing that I’ve learned therapists do - let things sit without reacting and see if there’s more the patient contributes). I watched her absorb it all in a way I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone really listen to me before. She cocked her head for a minute and pondered a while longer, then looked directly in my eyes and spoke to me with such care that it was jarring to me.

You’re telling me all these things that have happened to you and that you’re struggling with, all of which are very serious and heavy things, and yet as you tell me these very tough things, you’re telling them to me with a smile on your face. I don’t think you find any of this funny. Why are you smiling, even now as I tell you this?

Your situation is not unique. And I don’t say this to belittle you, I say this to let you know there have been others in your situation before that have found a way out, and you will too. 

You speak to your past unapologetically, and you’ve only recently began embracing this beautiful free spirit of yours.

I don’t keep in touch with most family friends much anymore, but every so often my mother fills me in on who’s child is out and about doing what now. Every time she’s told me one of these bits of gossip, a rush of negative energy fills me, and it’s annoying yet oh so comfortable. And I didn’t like it, so mostly I’d shut my eyes and nod along and make the new piece of knowledge disappear so I wouldn’t have to think on it any more so that I could continue focusing on my own life I’ve been working on building.

I’ve disappeared on social media for a number of reasons, many of which I believe is for an overall healthier mental wellbeing. It brings me too much anxiety to put my life out on display for others to peer into. I’m frustrated by the constant judgement from my sister with the little view I’ve given her. And I’m frustrated by all the people from my past - family friends, old private school friends - who have somehow stumbled upon my face in internet land and felt the desire to connect with me so they, too, can peer into my life and judge all the ways in which I’ve deviated from who they once knew.

Except, I’m beginning to realize the narrative I’ve created might solely exist in my head and self-isolation is all I’ve ever known when left in discomfort.

The last few days, I’ve been scrolling through my suggested friends on Facebook and Instagram as I always do, intending to creep on people from my past without signaling my interest to them nor opening the door for them to reciprocate the creepiness.

Over in Instagram land was that one little girl from that one very religious family who decided to join the Marines. Everyone said she was crazy and wasn’t gunna make it through bootcamp - but I kind of had a feeling she would, because I know first-hand how strong that drive to work towards the one path that will pave your way out of this crazy cult-ish world can be. And she did it, and in some weird way, even though I had never been close with her growing up or now, I was proud of her. I was proud of her for doing that and for the way she drove her headscarf wearing mother to attend a marines graduation ceremony with a smile on her face, no matter how contrived it may have been.

In Facebook land, I stumbled upon my best friend from elementary school school, and realized she just got married two weeks ago. I studied her profile picture, her in a pretty unconventional wedding dress, with the same pretty smile I remember from first grade, pure happiness radiating from her. And beside her was a Hispanic man, clearly not Muslim. And her parents were no where in sight, in none of her photos - they probably didn’t approve - and yet there she was, living her life and claiming her happiness. And one of the first comments was another girl from elementary school, who wedded a white man (non-muslim, just about as while as they get, blonde hair blue eyes and all) two years ago. 

And I broke down, because I was so happy for her and also so frustrated with myself at the same time.

That familiar feeling I get when my mother shares the latest family friend gossip? It’s a feeling so very familiar to me that I’ve felt so many times throughout my upbringing, that I’m surprised I haven’t been able to name it until now.

It’s jealousy.

I felt it all the time growing up - I was jealous that I’d never know what it’d be like to get dolled up for a school dance with your friend, to have some dumb boy ask you out on a dance. I was jealous I couldn’t hand out after dark when kids find trouble to get into and at the same time bond with each other, experience a rush of excitement, and hopefully eventually also learn something along the way. I was jealous I couldn’t do my hair, paint on same makeup, and walk out of the house knowing I’d command attention from those around me and not feel like a guilty hoe for enjoying it.

And now, I am jealous to hear the stories of how my family friends are growing up and claiming their lives from their parents in a way I still haven’t mustered up the courage to do.

When my friends of the past tried to connect with me many years ago, I wasn’t ready to connect with them because I was still shaping my own world that I quickly realized was looking a lot different than the world I’ve come from, and I assumed everyone from that past world would be just like my sister - judgemental, upset at me for straying away from the paths laid out by our parents, and jealous. But now, I don’t think that was necessarily the case.

I self-isolated out of fear of being misunderstood, of not having anyone know the struggles I’m facing and continuing to try to figure out how to navigate on my own. My family and the Muslim community has always thrived on creating an isolating narrative, one in which there is great shame associated with anything that deviated from the path laid out for you, where you’re taught you do not ever speak of such issues outside of the family unit. But all along, the people from my past were carving their own paths, and though each and every one of them have undoubtedly had great struggles, perhaps they learned much sooner than me that they could find support through shared struggles. The realization has made me feel silly and dumb for putting myself through such discomfort on my own for no real reason other than my pride; yet it’s also empowering to have discovered an entire untapped source of support.

The Muslim community from my past may be the same community to provide me some kind of support through my transitioning out of the Muslim world.

I’ve always felt jealousy and a sense of sadness when looking at the lives portrayed by ‘Americans’, the white people who get to live out their lives and find happiness- that’s not the world I came from, and I’ve always been told those people are not like me. But the sense of jealousy and sadness I feel when looking at (ex?) Muslims of my past is one in which I mourn the lost of my own free-spirit, my own ability to live unapologetically and live for my own happiness, obligations aside. As far as I’ve come on my journey, I still haven’t found a satisfactory blend of the two world I’ve been living in, one in which I maintain my cultural roots and connection to my family but also live the full extent of my life and feel happy and fulfilled, without guilt.

I had prided myself in the way that Tammy had smiled at the way I described all my less-than-wise choices made in my college years, the ones that I still giggle at with a sense of smugness for having done that one stupid thing but would do all over again if given the chance. One ex had upsetedly told me that my free-spirit was too much to keep up with, and that my unapologetic way of living was too frustrating - and that was more or less the moment i knew we wouldn’t be able to work.

I love my free-spirit nature, my silly whims and less than well-thought out decisions and spontaneous plannings, and I love my ability to look back on actions in my past - the good, the bad and the ugly - and feel unapologetic about any and all of it because I know each and every experience was what was right for that exact moment of who I was in my life.

And now that I know it’d around there somewhere, I’d like to re-claim that shroudded spirit.

[vrenaewrites]

AFTER by Anna Todd thoughts: Prologue - Ch 50

Full video here.

Originally wattpad fanfic about Harry Styles??????

PROLOGUE:

“I didn't know college would be more than academics”

Confused by (her roommate’s friends) inattention to structure: How fucking lame are you

“And that’s when he crept into my heart” Is he italicized in the books i bet it is

Dude’s name is hardin? More like hard-on amirite

CH 1:

It starts with an alarm going off?!?!?!? Rule number one!!!!!

She spends the prologue telling us she’s been prepping for college all her life and then spends a good half a page telling us that again

“Whatever else teenagers else do, that wasn’t me” We got a mary sue here guys

Razor from the knees down - ok virgin - why was this a detail?

Oh shiiii she got a boyfriend? And his name is NOT hardin guys

She told us multiple times that she prepped for this day forever but also keeps saying she has no idea what to expect...does this take place before the internet? Like...google it??

CH 2:

She just said she saw the school online, like you can find pics of the school but you couldn’t find a single youtube video about “what college is really like” foh

So the mom sits in on orientation but is expected to leave before seeing the dorm room how tf that girl supposed to get all her shit up to the dorm?!?!?! Parents usually help you move in??

So the car was packed FULL of her stuff but then she says she only brought clothes and books and her bf doesn’t have much to carry...so what is the truth?

Oh shit her roommate has tattoos

“Where the dorms are tiny and the parties are huge” and this information is fucking earth shattering to tessa and her mom and not-hardin

CH 3:

Two closets in this tiny dorm room…

“College is not what i expected” you said MULTIPLE TIMES you didn’t know what to expect so what is the truth?!!?!?!?

“Both genders” yikes on bikes

CH 4:

HE HAS A THICK ENGLISH ACCENT goodBYE

“Hardin scott is not my boyfriend” okay, so many things. No one fucking talks like that unless they wanna introduce the full name of the love interest in the clunkiest way

Also HS are his initials goodBYEEEEE

CH 5:

“Destroyed his body with holes and tattoos” omg

CH 6:

Hardin is fucking neg that calls her Teresa when she asks to go by Tessa and as someone who constantly gets called Vicki when I ask to go by Viktoria, I am on her side in this instance and this instance only

CH 7:

She is so upset that someone called her prissy but then she can’t even bring herself to think of what those people are doing in the frat house bedrooms

CH 9:

The word bottom. As in, steph pushed her bottom against a guy as she danced with him...BOTTOM

She’s in a bedroom with her drunk roommate and a really great collection of books and I GUARANTEE this is Hardin’s room

Wuthering heights ffs

KNEW IT

CH 10:

And she’s crying

CH 13:

She introduces herself by her full name and landon does the same whyyyyyy who does this?

He’s a nice kid unlike you - i’m shocked at my harsh words

Am i just a bitch or is she the weakest

So they’re just walking and he screams, “Stop staring at me” out of nowhere and walks away...sounds stable

CH 14:

“Noah is my boyfriend and I would never do anything to hurt him” This is what we call foreshadowing my friends

“A man who is rude an intolerable being made into a romantic hero? It’s ridiculous” hardin

Foreshadowing…

She literally just said her boyfriend is like a little brother…ew

“I’m aware that my hips and breasts are larger than most women my age”...women are fully developed at 18...i don’t understand…

Mary sue shit

CH 15:

“She’s intimidated by you because you’re not like other girls” is that a real thing…

“You look...different” - hardin PUKE

“Are you a virgin?” i puked again

No one seems surprised - bitch you dress like a nun

CH 16:

These chapter breaks make no gd sense

“Hormonal college rock n roll misfits”

Immediately takes a shot of vodka

Hardin looks disappointed that she took a shot because she’s not like other girls…

Slut shaming.com / tessa re: molly

CH 17:

“Sorry if i don’t dress like a slut” no you just wear pleated skirts and khakis like a mormon mother

Hardin doesn’t drink OF COURSE they are sober lil bookworms together

I want to be an author. Of course because she is the mary sue of our generation move over bella swan

She’s drinking again after almost puking

CH 18:

“We don’t need to have sex, we have fun by going to the movies...and going on walks” ON WALKS.

OH SHIIIIIIIII THEY KISSIN

CH 19:

This girl has never been horny before and she cannot cope with the feeling

Am i bad a person for feeling like “Well she already cheated by kissing him, might as well keep kissing him?” like i know that’s wrong but…

CH 20:

Oh my god she’s not telling her boyfriend that she kissed someone else??!?!?

Oh shiii hardin’s in her dorm

HER MOM IS AT THE DOOR

WITH NOAH?!?!?!?!?!

When i say weakass you say bitch

CH 21:

The fork at breakfast reminds her of hardin’s lip ring….

She just called Hardin Mr. Rude. “Mr. struggle” lol anyone else watch Cody Ko??

Noah won’t kiss her in public and she does NOT get horny with him

CH 22:

Pride and prejudice is not a magical book tessa

Landon’s mom and hardin’s dad?! Oh shiiiii

“Are you ocd or something” christ

Literally he’s throwing her notes all over the floor like what a four year old

“Eyes burning into mine” AGAIN

They kissin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh shit they doin MORE than kissing

“You’re so sexy tess” I PUKED

Steph’s eyes are clapping with glee?????

“You could learn a lot from Hardin, like, sexually” - steph

okay………

CH 23:

They’re talking about the use of foreshadowing in pride and prejudice about if you could tell that darcy and elizabeth would end up together…

What kinda hamfisted shit…

And then she and hardin get in a screaming match about their situation but it’s coded in darcy and elizabeth language like come onnnnnnn

So much twilight vibes: “your mood swings give me a headache” “i should stay away from him, i know he’s dangerous” dangerous how? Because he has tattoos?

FIRST FULL BODY CRINGE: “You’re thinking about me and you have that feeling, down there, don’t you, teresa?”

Twilight: “i don’t wanna stay away from you”

CH 24:

“He really is bipolar” dude

She likes bon iver and the fray...of course she does

CH 25:

SHE FOLLOWED THIS STRANGER INTO THE WOODS

No murderino instinct at all

“He must be cold in the warm ass water because he can’t be getting flushed seeing me, a girl he’s made out with multiple times and is obviously attracted to, in nothing but his t-shirt” bitch COME ON

“I’m having real fun, not watching a movie fun”

This is such a dig at noah who she says doesn’t need to fuck her because they watch movies together

SECOND FULL BODY CRINGE: “These lips, the things you could do with them”

THIRD: “Oh Hardin,” I moan and squeeze him with my legs. “I want to make you moan my name over and over again” - hardin

My hormones are out of control - who is thinking about their hormones at this point

FOURTH: She goes to cover up and he’s like don’t ever cover yourself from me, i’ve been with so many girls but none like you

And they’re not gonna do it but “there are many other things he wants to do to her first” and at this point my body is contorted like a jumbo shrimp

FIFTH: The whole fingering scene honestly. Just all of it. He made her towel off with his shirt...am I missing something? She had already put her pants on...what’s the point of that???

SIXTH: “You haven’t said a word to me since” - “since i gave you your first orgasm?”

CH 26:

Wtf is this dude’s problem? She ignores her boyfriend’s call to keep making out with him and he’s like “don’t break up with him on my account, there’s no us going on” like dude y’all just went on a date...so you can keep saying you don’t date...but you just did…

CH 27:

She’s so selfish!!!! Calling Noah because she got rejected by Hardin!!!!!!!! Noah deserves better 2k20

And then she mentions it in front of Hardin to make him jealous WTF

Hardin petty ass Scott says, “noah, that’s a nice cardigan you’re wearing”

Thanks I got it from the gap!!!!!!!11

CH 28:

SEVEN: Tessa wants noah to get her horny so she keeps trying to kiss him and when he won’t let anything happen she stops and he says, “that was nice, tessa”

Tessa takes noah’s car to go help hardin and leaves noah in her dorm room alone when he drove 3 hours to see her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CH 29:

Hardin toxic asshole Scott threw a hissy fit and tessa comes to save the day

He dresses her little glass cut after telling her she’s pathetic...woof

CH 30:

Holy manipulation station nation

Then he forces himself on her and her dumb bitch ass KISSES HIM!!!!!

BECAUSE HE SAID HE NEEDED HER, THAT’S ALL IT TOOK

Cringe throughout: that she describes his lips as pink. It’s weird as fuck.

EIGHT: “You know who i think you are when you’re with me?” “Who?” “yourself”

CH 31:

NINE: He’s telling her if she says the word he’ll leave her alone: “Tell me teresa,” he coos, and i whimper. “Hardin,” i whisper. WHY?

SHE IS GONNA STAY WITH HARDIN WHILE NOAH IS WAITING FOR HER?!?!?!?!!??!

CH 32:

“I don’t know if it’s his smile or the fact that he’s only in boxers, but I’m in a much better mood than before” you skank ass hoe

TEN: He says her clothes hide how sexy and curvy her body really is. Sexy and curvy. Both.

CH 33:

ELEVEN: “I know this happiness isn’t going to last” - the happiness being her straddling this guy that isn’t her boyfriend - “and i feel like cinderella waiting for the clock to strike midnight”

“I can behave any way i want with hardin tonight, because in the morning i’m going to tell him to leave me alone forever” HUH

TWELVE: I am just as intoxicated by hardin, as hardin is by the bottle of scotch he drank

THIRTEEN: Who is this girl straddling this punk boy and asking to touch him...down there?

CH 34:

FOURTEEN: He says he wants to taste her and this dumb bitch licks her lips like “yeah we been kissing wtf” and he says “no, down there” EW

CH 35:

Noah standing up for himself!!!!!

FIFTEEN: Then he calls them those gothic people...gothic? Not goth. Gothic.

HARDIN DONE BARGED IN!!!!!!

CH 36:

Hardin and Noah about to get into it!

Hardin making tessa be honest with noah OMG THE DRAMA

SIXTEEN: I am a moth to hardin’s flame and he never hesitates to burn me

CH 39:

Tessa gets a makeover to go out with steph and i KNOW she’s gonna see hardin and they’re gonna be inappropriate in public

And hardin is here OF COURSE

Oooh and he’s with molly! Tea

She is a slut - TESSA NO

Chapter 37: hardin will ruin tess if she ever comes around again chapter 39: he’s driving her home and making sure her burger doesn’t have ketchup

CH 40:

Noah will get back with tessa if she promises nothing with happen with hardin and we are only halfway through this book BITCH

CH 41:

Oh he drunk and at tessa’s dorm

This BITCH. JUST. GOT. BACK.TOGETHER. WITH. NOAH. AND. IS. GETTING. IN. BED. WITH. HARDIN. TO. WATCH. A. MOVIE.

CH 42:

He picks her up and forces her to sleep in the bed with him despite her saying no

CH 44:

She admits to herself that sleeping beside hardin is worth losing noah and then is trying to talk herself into believing that noah is hotter than hardin????

“You don’t need makeup” “well i like it” “well you’re bad at it” negging ass

This man at the store says, “hardin?” in an english accent and she’s like “i knew it was his dad” well how many fucking english dudes are in this small washington town my friend

This bitch agrees to go to dinner with hardin’s dad knowing damn well he and his dad are NOT on good terms...she’d be walking home…

CH 45:

And then because he doesn’t wanna go to dinner with his abandoning father, she says she’s gonna go to his dad’s house for dinner with ANOTHER DUDE?!?!?!?!?!?

She ignores noah’s call

It is stressing me tf out that she isn’t calling noah back and is instead getting ready for a date with hardin’s family...this poor cardigan wearing man

CH 46:

I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE FAMILY!!!!!!!! GET BACK TO THE CRINGE NEGGING AND ALMOST-BONING

CH 47:

“He rubs the back of his neck like he always does” - this is the first time he’s done this??

CH 48:

SEVENTEEN: “Oh tessa the things you do to me”

Fingers her without asking?!?!?!?!?!?! She literally says “Without my permission”

CH 49:

She is staying at hardin’s family’s house for the night, asks for her own room because she has a boyfriend - YOU JUST GOT EATEN OUT BY ANOTHER DUDE FIVE MINUTES AGO

~~~~

[peanutdracolich]

Peanut Dracolich Watches (Hammer) Horror: The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

I don’t know if it’s really the first kung fu horror spectacular; Mr. Vampire and Chinese Ghost Story are the kung fu horror spectaculars I am familiar with and come from the 80s. Still the film promises a dumb (it was mid 70s Hammer and a mid 70s kung fu film) kung fu flick with vampires and some horror trappings, and it delivers exactly that.

It’s a B movie. It’s a dumb, but enjoyable, little low impact, low investment film. You watch it to see Grand Moff Tarkin (well he became the Grand Moff 4 years later) thrown into a kung fu movie. It is at a functional level for that. Ultimately it gives what it promises and does it well enough. It doesn’t give more, it doesn’t give something quite different, and it doesn’t make promises it can’t keep. There are disappointing aspects, but it feels like Hammer Horror made a 70s kung fu film and if you’re watching it you probably know what that means to expect; you hopefully know what to expect with Hammer Horror at least.

Overall I’d say it’s a film worth watching if you know you enjoy that sort of dumb, obviously fake sets, weapons that are just as fake, and kung fu fighting from when it was a lot slower typically. If you don’t enjoy old B movies, or don’t enjoy them unless they’re truly horrible, don’t watch it.

Good/Bad/Ugly and play by play after the cut.

The Good:

The Premise: This is why you’re watching the film and it delivers it at the expected B movie scale.

The Heroines: Are relatively strong and independent characters for the type of film. They are not super strong and independent and I’m pretty sure they never directly talk to each other, but I can only remember 3 of the 8 guys talking at all. They both get damsel moments, but... one of them still fights better than most of the guys in the film and the other one is the non-combatant that demanded to go vampire hunting.

Gratuitous Boobies: The film enjoys showing extras’ breasts when it has an excuse to. If you enjoy that in a film, it’s here. And as the later Hammer Horror films got known more for sexploitation (I haven’t watched many of the later ones but the internet tells me so) it’s the sort of thing that you should have been expecting going in.

The Bad:

Dracula: The actor lacks charisma and stage presence. He’s not just no Christopher Lee he’s one of the flattest and least interesting vampires I’ve seen. He also dies a pathetic death. Thankfully 7 other vampires who are more...

General Villain Incompetence: Oh for Orlok’s sake. So the golden vampires get some good stuff in by the end of the film and actually serve as a threat to our heroes, but their early showings are atrocious. They first show up having difficulty dealing with a limping farmer. If they hadn’t given him a limp the movie would have been noticeably better just because they were undercutting their main villains by doing so.

Gratuitous Boobies: The film enjoys showing extras’ breasts when it has an excuse to. I try to be accepting of it because... I do have a certain fascination with breasts, but it sometimes serves to take away from a scene and I wonder why the villains are so eager to rip their shirts. Apparently they want a good view as they sacrifice them.

The Ugly:

The Undead Soldiers: I actually think they were primarily women in theory, but the zombie soldiers were pretty ugly creatures and between their sound cue and general effects deserved a place in a far scarier movie. I probably actually ought to have put them in Good instead of Ugly but.

The Deaths: The vamps die ugly.

The Play by Play:

The last Hammer Horror Dracula film, and one without Christopher Lee in the role. However Peter Cushing is there as Van Helsing and the premise sounds hilarious. And having watched 13 horror movies in 13 days I need a bit of a break from scary. Still I feel guilty so I am watching it in the dark and will do my best to buy in and play along but... I expect to break down into a more humor filled enjoyment of a 61 year old Grand Moff performing martial arts stunts in a film that had the Shaw Brothers working on it.

You also may or may not get a full play by play. I'm tired of typing out scenes, though why is there a Chinese looking nativity scene sign near what appears to be Dracula's castle? The music is in theory passable, but the production value and the D on the coffin is a bit taking me out. Still I'm not trying to buy in much which hurts.

The Dracula just doesn't have the presence. When he speaks it's... he's not my Dracula. His approach is pretty good, too smooth and even for him to be walking. The music is also theoretically good, but the set just looks so set like.

Still the worst element is the disappointing Dracula. He has none of the charisma of Lee, or Lugosi, nor Gerald Butler in Dracula 2000, nor the vampire from The Brides of Dracula. What I'm saying is he has no charisma. Unlike the Chinese vampire cultist who ruled in the name of the titular 7 Golden Vampires. I mean he's still no Lee or Lugosi but he doesn't make me want to laugh more than the bat effects. So I am happy when he steals the Chinese guy's body, I am unhappy that he voices over the dude, but the voice works somewhat with the bombastic motions of the new body. It's an improvement. It's not scary, it's like a 70s Kung Fu flick, over the top and hammy, but hey it's different.

We are transported to 1904 China, and it feels like a Shaw Brother kung fu flick. Until we hear Cushing giving a lecture about Chinese legends and how some are just legend, and some are true at their heart. He of course then talks about a village threatened by vampires, and the poor limping farmer who rose to the task of protecting it. Apparently with a hoe. Sets are like something from a 70s Kung Fu flick (that is to say extremely fake). And I'm not really trying to buy in to the horror or even suspend my disbelief which honestly the film probably deserves some attempt but... Kung Fu Vampires. I will try to be better...

A bunch of women are tied to slabs around a pool of blood, and our vampire cultist is proceeding over it. There's a sense of horror here. Pacing is good. One of the girls is topless. The vampires look like wrinkled and rotten things. The effect there is good. His daughter is one of the girls. The scene is drawing on a little too slow. He's a limping farmer with a hoe and he's managed to release his daughter before they really react. He's a limping farmer without a hoe and he wounded a vampire and escaped. I'm sorry limping farmer beat on your vamps pretty effectively they lost some fear.

In the film's favor the golden skulled undead rising as reinforcement look pretty good.

Still things just aren't quite well enough put together for me to buy in. Still there is the sense of danger. Even so the limping farmer stole their mystic golden bat and placed it upon a shrine to a god and touching it causes the vampire to burst into flame even after they kill him. The music is actually effective, so is the army of the dead, but I just can't buy in; I may be a little inured at the moment.

After the story the Chinese historians he was lecturing mock him and say that he is trying to discredit China by saying that they'd believe such things as vampires like some superstitious backwards Eastern European peasants. One dude, though, believes.

And we see Van Helsing's son. He doesn't impress me.

Full screening the movie (I'm watching it on youtube) helps, gets the white away, the white was bad.

Still the film gives us some things worth mocking. Van Helsing reacts fairly calmly to someone breaking into his rooms and trying to sneak up on him. He simply asks the man who he is and offers him tea. And the guy, well apparently he's here to apologize, and request Van Helsing's aid as a vampire catcher. I'm not sure why he didn't just knock, that'd be a rather more polite way to apologize than via breaking and entering.

We also have the younger Van Helsing flirting with a woman and then pissing off the local crime boss by destroying his excuse to get close to her by stating he'd already promised her his services as an escort. Good gentlemanly behavior. Still while she is, as she puts it, 'the totally emancipated woman' who could have said no to the tong on her own, she doesn't exactly resent the escort... it gives her a chance to talk to him about his father she's infatuated with.

Of course we find out how well saying no would have gone for her when they are attacked by a group of kung fu assassins and saved by a pair of kung fu brothers. Still the young Van Helsing (Leland I think) actually fought or tried, and they were following him so he probably kept her from being abducted by a Chinese crime lord. She even shows she realizes this.

The Older Van Helsing, though, doesn't want her to come on the vampire hunt, but everyone else disagrees with it... Possibly because she's financing the trip (and the son likes her and recognizes 'she has a will of her own').

On the subject of the heroine (I'm bad with names) she is not up to the usual sex appeal of a Hammer Horror heroine, not to say she is unattractive, but part of this is also presentation; her presentation is less sex as well. Given later Hammer films are known for sexploitation the fact that she doesn't live up to the appeal there as the ones from the first 3 (before they were that) is worth noting.

No mention is to made of horrific tension as the film has descended into kung fu action. It's not trying to be scary. It's a horror story (vampires and all, yada yada) but it's a kung fu film. The weapons are ludicrously fake,some of the fight techniques are Vulcan neckpinch level, and it's... fun.

The movie does make me wonder. Their grandfather was a limping farmer, this is a group of kung fu weapon master brothers and one sister, why do they need Van Helsing? A limping farmer gave them a good fight. Of course the film is trying to explain that right now with 'you're the expert and will know what to do to beat them for you are the chosen one' but... WHY DID THEY GIVE THE FARMER A LIMP?

We get a scene of vampires ripping the shirts of women open and abducting them. The farmers fighting them now are not very good at it. They outnumber them but their hoes do nothing.

Van Helsing informs us of some things: A wooden stake works on vampires in the East apparently. The image of the lower Buddha works on them like the crucifix on a European one, fire doesn't work in Europe but he doesn't know about in China. He does not point out that the Scandinavian heroine is jealous of the fact that his so is infatuated with her... or is she jealous she's encouraging him to go help wash the dishes you dumb-butt. She's more interested in the leader of the kung fu brothers it seems.

On the villainous side of things we get more boobies. The film is enjoying the chance to show them. Still the Chinese Dracula is more intimidating than the original actor.

Van Helsing is psychic. Leland is a dumbass. Scandinavian financier has a caring/motherly side.

Still while they're hiding in the cave for the night, the kung fu vampires arrive. This would be fine except suddenly the vaguely hopping skeleton army. The immortal undead things do little to them... Till Van Helsing tells them how to strike their weak spot. And the archer manages to fell one of the seven golden vampires, striking him with an arrow causing him to emit a truly silly laugh and a death scene which makes him seem like he's doing a rather insensitive idiot act. A second of the golden vampires is killed, his death less humorous, a... Van Helsing just tripped backwards into a fire. He just stumbled into the fire. Of course he uses this to pick up a burning brand and show that the Eastern Vampires are vulnerable to fire. Leland spent the fight punching like one of the mooks and having trouble with it. He finds women who can fight hot, though, so that's good.

Having just defeated half of the enemies with no losses, the Kung Fu brothers are disheartened. I have no idea why they're disheartened. Apparently curb stomping the enemy makes them afraid. Also they never buried their grandfather, but left his bones to bleach in the sun despite knowing where he was. That's... I'm pretty sure that's really disrespectful. Like what the nosferatu dudes, tend his corpse so it can rest in peace.

And Financier Lady is now without her shirt, wearing oly a tank top that shows cleavage if she leans forward. I feel I am expected to rejoice at this. Leland continues to be a dumb ass.

Dracula is kowtowing to great demons of hell dedicating himself to their service. Dracula have more self respect. You don't do favors. You're an archvampire, you're your own master. I don't care if you want an undead army. Bad Dracula have some self respect. Still he attacks the town which our heroes have fortified and... our heroes immediately abandon the fortifications to fight the enemy outside of them. Because you spend all day fortifying just for fun, not for practical purposes.

Still they begin to beat the 3 remaining vamps when the zombie army arrives and they decide that maybe they should have like used their fortifications after all. Maybe. After all the zombie army is the scariest thing in the film.

One of the brothers is killed! The villains are not WHOLLY incompetent. Unlike Leland who... Well ok he fights better with his fist than a gun (he can't aim for the heart it seems). Still the one thing I was afraid of in this film happened, both our heroines have just become damsels, such is the fate of emancipated women. One is carried off by the zombies, and one is bitten in the throat by one of the vampires and immediately turns into a vampiress and attacks the kung fu brothers' leader forcing him to stake her, which in Hammer tradition makes her bite vanish. In an act of lover's suicide he stakes himself as well, because once you have staked your romantic interest it's all you can do. No to be honest she bit him so he knew what was going to happen to him and he ended it first.

Oh and the Kung Fu Girl hasn't becomes captured. In fact she has now outlives over half of her brothers. Yes. She's still getting beaten up... Oh now she's kidnapped. I can accept it more after 4 of the guys are killed.

Leland jumps on a horse and takes chase, going to confront the vampire that carried her off, and I'm not sure if we're down to Dracula and 1 other or 2 others now. Still we're down to 2 kung fu brothers, Van Helsing, Leland the Mute Donkey, and our abducted heroine.

She is strapped to the ritual slab to be bitten and drained of blood, but Leland saves her beginning to fight the vampire. He is doing better than expected. Which is to say he hasn't died yet, though he is losing until his Papa comes and spears the vampire in the back. Don't mess with his dumb ass, it makes Van Helsing angry. I think we're out of vampires other than Dracula.

Everyone leaves save Van Helsing who pauses and encounters Dracula. Who is goaded out of the Chinese dude's body. No! Film, don't! The other guy had more charisma. He was hamtastically awesome with his dialogue. No, why ;;

We then get to watch as a 60 year old man gets backhanded about a bit, before Dracula impales himself upon a broken spear shaft. Dracula is dumb in this film. His death is dumb. He should feel bad next time he revives.

Oh and the ending credits tell me I misspelled Leyland's name, I'm not fixing it.